All this talk of the beauty of life, and my world has come to a grinding halt. I got the worst phone call of my life on Thursday evening, informing me that my father died.
I was very close to him and I feel like I am underwater, or in some awful nightmare just waiting to wake up.
He moved to California a little over a month ago and before that lived with me and my husband for two and a half years.
They think it was a drug overdose, but we won’t know for sure until they get the autopsy results. I fly out there tomorrow morning to get him, but I am in shock.
I feel broken, or in pain but I don’t know exactly where it hurts. I have no words for something like this and all I can do is cry and try to keep moving and shower, eat, but even those things seem so hard now.
He was 49 years old and I was not done with him. You never feel so small as when something like this happens and you realize it could end in an instant.
a bulb of heat,
stopping to burst
the miracle was
as he watched,
he felt her
I doodled this last night and it made me think of beauty from pain. It’s easy to get pulled down by all the negatives, especially in the winter, but I am constantly reminded of the beauty in life also.
I am striving to notice more, and BE more of that beauty everyday.
Here is something I wrote on a scrap piece of paper I had laying around. It seems that when I need a notebook the most there are none to be found. It was inspired by the words printed along the side.
On a related note, I have a thing for photo booths. Anytime I come across one, at the state fair, in a bar, or anywhere I am compelled to go inside and see how many different personalities I can confine to that little
black and white strip.
Who would you be, alone in a photo booth?
steered the night
like a dimpled moth
My goal in this new year has been to create. And isn’t it funny that this theme of creation just permeates everything. I’ve fortunately had a real creative flow going on lately and I spill poetry onto everything; restaurant napkins, pages of poetry books I’m reading, the note app in my phone, my own skin. If a word or phrase strikes me in some way I am instantly moved to write, and this brings me intense joy.
Today my joy is in the sunlight craved like water in this nerve-deadening, oppressive winter.
Things I would like to accomplish with the help of this blog:
- Write more poetry
- increase creative flow
- focus my thoughts
- write something every day
- be more disciplined
- not be so disciplined
- original thoughts
My main goal is to just create. I’m not a very handy person and I like to think I’m crafty but more often than not when I try to make something it never turns out the way I see it in my head. I am wonderful at creating things in my own head but they are almost always lost in translation.
This is where writing comes in. Putting words together, forming literary images is what I do. Here’s to writing and here’s to creating!